Closure

I had an strange night last night.

After doing a little shopping, the Girlfriend* and I were driving around, trying to find something to do.  Our meandering, impromptu road trip took us near the campus of Dallas Baptist University, where I first went to college out of high school.  Readers of this blog know that was a different time in my life (if you want to read more about that, read here).  It was the first time I'd been on the campus in at least 6 years.  I'd made only one return visit, which was very soon after I left in the first place, to get a transcript.

We drove around the tiny, hillside campus for just a little bit, and we walked into the music building that I spent the majority of my time in.

The building has been expanded quite a bit, and there are three times the number of practice rooms than used to exist, but the same old names were still on the doors.  Down one hall, I saw the nameplate of Sue Mitz, my piano professor, and further down Dr. Barbara Wallace, my music theory professor.

Driving around campus, there are the same old buildings coupled with dozens of other, newer buildings.  The campus is growing, and it was a strange feeling. There was a sense of familiarity, but the changes coupled the familiarity with a disconnect.

I honestly wasn't expecting to feel anything, save for, perhaps, a little nostalgia.  But driving away from the campus I just sort of got slammed with feelings.  Not all of them were entirely good, I suppose, but I had a hard time putting words to them, except that I just kept saying that it was all sorta "heavy."  The Girlfriend seemed to sense that I was in it, and let me sort of stay in that place for a while (although, as she told me later, when she doesn't exactly know what the right question to ask is to get me to talk about it, she usually just lets me be silent for a bit and I normally just talk it out and get there on my own).

There was some feeling of separateness.  I just couldn't seem to find any way to put the person I am today back on that campus.  I've changed so much since then, mostly for the better (I'd hope).  For the first time, in my life, I sort of felt like I was looking back at a period in my life where I could have snipped those years out, and I wouldn't be missing much.

But that's kind of silly too.  I had some amazing experiences at DBU, and met some amazing people.  I actually began my crazy sort of journey to re-self-discovery in my last year there (which is a big part of why I left).

Mostly, however, I think I felt some finality.  DBU is the only real college experience I've had.  I've teetered around at a couple of other schools, but it never really took.  Today, however, as I'm preparing to go back to school in about 2 weeks, I had found myself looking back to my time there quite a bit.

I'm sure the rush of feelings I had were quite specific to this particular moment in my life.  Maybe I could have gone there last year, and it wouldn't have happened.  This particular day, however, I went to a much different headspace, and now I feel like I've officially left that part of my life, and that place behind.  It's a good feeling.

I don't really know how many people this will make a lot of sense to, or if I've even explained it well at all, but it was just a crazy sort of finality on the whole thing.  One of those rare moments where you end up at the right place to sort out the feelings you are having at a very specific time.

*I still haven't figured out what pithy name to call her.  Any suggestions?

Comments

[barb]

wow, that's pretty cool, Dylan. I've been in that space. It makes sense to me. It's a good feeling.

[Ms. Q]

Your girlfriend could be SRWF. Something Requisitely Wonderful and Feminine! Or DOH! Dylan's Other Half! If she has acheived other half status, that is. I don't want to rush things!

I totally understood what you just said. I've been there, too. A lot actually. Almost every phase of my life has reached a closing point where it seems like a different lifetime or a different person inhabitated that world. It's weird. But good, I think.

[Aubrie]

Even though I didn't have the transformational experiences you've had throughout your life, I still feel that nostalgia going back.
Even being back this week is strange because nothing is the same here, it is all like revisiting a time warp where I once was. Its kind of strange feeling like you are on the outside looking in rather than being a part of it all.

[suze]

as someone who has left a number of educational institutes behind, i totally get what you're trying to express. and it's not something that is easily put into words that feeling of not quite regret, not quite nostalgia, not quite what if, but a bit of it all...

good luck in the new phase of the adventure!

[Noelle]

As a former DBU student myself I can totally relate to where you're coming from....