Something Requisitely Witty and Urbane

Today's Links

The Sports Guy cleans out his mailbag today, and here were some of my favorite items (via Bob Sturm)

Q: I caught "Karate Kid" on Saturday night after a day at Wrigley and a pig roast. That's important because my alcohol intake gave me a level of clarity that I never had while watching "Karate Kid." So here's my question: Why did Daniel-san and crazy mom move to California? Are you telling me that it was so Daniel's mom could get into a restaurant's managerial training program in a crappy area of California? There were no similar jobs in Jersey? She made her kid uproot his life for a restaurant managerial training position? Has anyone looked into this?
--Ryan Jacobs, Chicago

SG: That's just a fantastic "1980s Movies" question, right up there with "Why were Buddy's parents gone for the entire movie (from 'Just One of the Guys')?" After much deliberation, here's my answer ...

I think Mrs. LaRusso realized early on that her son had a singular destiny -- to be picked on by more people than anyone in the history of mankind. He needed to move somewhere where he was an outsider, where an entire dojo would want to destroy him, where billionaires would devote their lives to destroying a teenage karate champion. This stuff couldn't have happened in Jersey. Instinctively, she knew this. And that's why they moved.

Q: I've come up with a legitimate rule to determine whether or not a given activity is a sport. If a girl who's say, at least a B cup DOESN'T need a sports bra in order to participate, it's NOT a sport. This definitely rules out activities such as bowling, billiards and golf. (The only exception here is for sports that take place in water, as the swimsuit acts as a sports bra.) Note that this can only be applied to eliminate activities as sports -- there are definitely activites out there that require a sports bra but aren't sports -- like say, jump rope. Otherwise, I think it works well. What are your thoughts?
--Elizabeth M., Munter, Ga.

SG: I like any sports definition that relies on sports bras and cup sizes to succeed. You need a few more guidelines though:
1. If you can smoke and/or drink while you're competing, it's not a real sport.
2. If you don't need to shower after you're finished competing, it's not a real sport.
3. If judges are deciding the winners and losers, it's not a real sport.
4. If competing at a world-class level means you have to give up your childhood, as well as eating three times a day, having a menstrual cycle, having body hair and breasts, and being taller than 5-foot-3, it's probably not a sport.
5. If you're wearing a shirt that has your name written on the front pocket in script writing, it's not a real sport.
6. If one of the announcers for the sport spawns questions from viewers like, "Hey, is that Ant from 'Last Comic Standing'?" and "Wait a second ... is he crying?", then it's probably not a real sport.

So I'm with you, Elizabeth. Some things should be called "sports," other things should be called "competitions." Both sides can operate under the same sports umbrella ... we just need to remember the difference between the two.

Ironically funny and disturbing proof that the Bush administration doesn't just redact for national security.

RNC, A Disclaimer

Ok, I will be writing about the RNC every day just as I did the DNC, but I feel compelled to communicate the following disclaimer:

I am under no obligation to be unbiased. This is my blog, and it is my space to put write my point of view. I'm not a journalist and therefore I infuse everything I write with my opinion. I'll do my best to separate the message from the man when I'm talking about the performance, but I do anticipate a great deal of my writing being spent talking about what I disagree with. Sorry if this bothers anyone, but I have never harbored any illusions in this space that I am anything other than what I am, a liberal democrat who lives in Texas and is therefore more defensive that he probably ought to be.

That is all.

If the Rangers don't make the playoffs...

... Don't blame the Rangers.

This team has had really only two bad stretches this season. And right now they are on have won 11 of their last 15 games.

And they've lost ground in the race.

Oakland... well, I can't remember the last time they lost. Yes I can, it was last week, and they happened to lose on the only day where Anaheim and Texas both lost, so it was irrelevant.

Anaheim is playing lights out. The way they've played through their myriad of injuries may be one of the biggest stories in the AL this year, second only to the Rangers.

And Boston. God Damn Boston. They were out of the playoffs and done 3 weeks ago, and now they are in the lead in the wild card race. They've managed to squeeze some life out of their team and really put a run together.

So, now, the Rangers go to Minnesota for 3 games (and there may be no tougher place to play than at Minnesota right now) and then they play Boston in Boston. And all I'm saying is the Rangers have played well enough to win this year, and if they don't, it is simply because the other teams beat them, and not them beating themselves.

The Secret of My Succession

So I came up with a couple of political procedural questions at work today, and I'm not really sure as to what the answers are. I'm gonna do some research on them, but if anyone has any ideas or can point me in the right direction, please let me know. Here are the two hypotheticals.

Dick Cheney has a heart attack tomorrow. Would they, at this point, go through the selection and confirmation process or would they appoint an interim until the results of the election were in place? Or would they simply go without for 4 months? If the answer to that is yes, then how long would they go without a veep?

The second hypothetical is this. George W. Bush will be nominated this coming Wednesday. Lets say that he dies on Thursday: Aside from Cheney becoming President for the rest of the year, what would happen to the Bush/Cheney '04 ticket? Would Cheney run in his place with his own VP? Would there be a new selection for the ticket, or would they have to run the symbolic Bush/Cheney ticket because it has already been nominated?

Ok, those are my questions. If I find answers I'll post them here, but if anyone has any help, I'd love to hear it.

Six Feet Under 4x11, The Black Forest

I often find it helpful, when hashing through an episode of this show, to take the death at the beginning, and find out where it fits in with the main characters. To whom it applies most specifically. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it just adds a plot point.

In this week's episode, the scene fades in on a wife kicking the shit out of her husband as he lays, passed out, in a pile of his own vomit. She is angry with him because he is a drunk and then spits out a torrent of things that she is already prepared to blame him for when he's gone. Only later does she find that he is already dead from alcohol poisoning. In his death, she can now begin to blame him for the bad things that come up for the rest of her life.

I've had a difficult time figuring out who this applies to most in the episode. I can't help but wonder if this is much of the same emotion that George felt after the passing of his first two wives: That he now had someone to blame. It is almost as if this started a pattern of blaming his wives for his unhappiness. What is clear about George is that he has been stood up too, perhaps for the first time, and by leaving, Ruth may have broken through his shell. How permanent this condition is hard to say.

Perhaps it applies to Rico and Vanessa. Vanessa has a reason to blame Rico now, though she seems to be handling it well. Rico has only himself to blame, and is now facing the possibility that his life with his family will never be the same because of the indiscretion he had.

Perhaps it is a symbol of what Claire is trying to do with drugs. We can only imagine what the impetus for the dead man was to start drinking, but we can clearly see what is going on with Claire. She is in so much inner turmoil that medicating herself has become a way for her to slooooow thiiiiinngs doooooown. She can handle things one at a time in he own mind. Unfortunately she is becoming nearly unbearable to her friends. I remember the first episode of the series, when Nathanial died, and Claire had just taken her first dose of Crystal Meth. She was told that all it does was "make everything burn just a little bit brighter." I think now she feels like toning everything down, and pot, ecstasy, etc., this is her chosen method. It is a sad turn for one of the most interesting characters on the show.

Perhaps it is a metaphor for Keith and David. They keep kicking this relationship, and eventually it is going to be dead. There just doesn't seem to be any point in them continuing, because it always ends up in the same patterns. And they think that by adding an adopted kid into the situation things will change.

But I think that analysis is more apropos of Brenda and Nate. This relationship is so full of complications. They've shared and hurt each other so much that one wonders what they think they can accomplish. Their attempt to "step into" their preconceived family roles seems forced and unnatural. On the surface it seems like something real and genuine. They really are trying it again in a more mature manner. But once again, Byron, Brenda's client, becomes the parallel interpretation of Brenda's actions. He is sitting on a bridge, getting ready to jump. He is upset that she abandoned him, and she is talking him down. Of course, it turns out that he is merely sitting on his couch, and the sound of traffic is only his air conditioner. "I was only pretending," he says to her. Brenda is merely pretending too. She is pretending to be a housewife with no problems and a mother with a maternal instinct. And their actions around Lisa's family, hiding Brenda in the hotel and not telling anyone that she is with him, proves that no matter how things change, they really remain the same.

But they keep kicking at it, seeing if they can find one more ounce of life in the relationship. It is obvious to me that they are doomed to failure.

Speaking of Six Feet Under...

I know I haven't written a review for last week's episode, and seeing as the newest episode airs tomorrow night, I should probably get on that... I don't know if anyone who reads my blog actually looks forward to those reviews, but just in case one of you does, I'll get it done tonight after work, so it will be there before next week's episode.

Sorry for the procrastination.

My Greatest Fear...

Man Lay in Bed, Dead, for two years.

I saw an episode of Six Feet Under a couple of seasons ago. In every episode they start with a death, and then go to the story. In this particular episode a lady is sitting down for breakfast, presumably in the apartment in which she lives alone, chokes and dies.

Ever since that episode, it has become one of my greatest fears. Not something that paralyzes me daily, but that is never far from my mind. You see, it is just me and my dog in my apartment. I've always worried that I might slip and fall in the bathtub, or choke on something, and I'd die, and no one would know for weeks.

It isn't unusual for me not to talk to my parents for a week. If I didn't show up for work, it wouldn't, necessarily, occur to them within the first 2 days that something had happened. They'd think it was strange, but it would take 3 or so missed shifts before someone did more than just call to try and get me.

And so there is this article, today. A man, who had multiple sclerosis, died in his sleep. He then laid there for 2 years (2 YEARS!) while his bills continued to get paid automatically through an online auto pay, and his pension check got direct deposited.

My fear has now been doubled. I'm taking auto-draw off of ALL my bills

Today's Links

For the first time in 3 months Bush overtakes Kerry in latest LA Times poll... "and all the colored girls say... dit da-dit..."

Just in case your electric bill gets out of hand this summer you can let a hamster lend a hand.

Summer, over at Iridesce Sent had this funny post this morning.

...the marquee sign outside the church read:

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEND YOUR FUTURE... SMOKING OR NON-?

Holy crap!

Over the top much?

And finally, please, everyone go to Google, type "miserable failure" into the search engine, and then press the "I'm feeling lucky" button... it is quite hilarious the page it turns up.

And now for something completely nerdy...

While admitting that I'm a bit of a nerd, I wanted to share this new MMORPG that I've found that is actually pretty cool. Dark Throne is a Kings of Chaos like game, but better... anyway, use this link to join up and to help me out if you want to...

... if you don't want to, I hope this post becomes a fleeting memory and you'll forget the small amount I gave in to the nerdy side.

Andie Elisabeth

Just wanted to show this picture that was taken about 3 months ago of the first time I got to hold my best friend, Chance's, baby, Andie.