Crossfire: A Play in One Act - By Dylan Biles

This is a transcript for the first 10 minutes of every episode of Crossfire since February (Please beware that I won't even acknowledge when James Carville and Robert Novak are on, so this is with Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson:

Announcer: Live from The George Washington University: Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson.
(Applause)
PB: Hello everyone, welcome to Crossfire. I will now wow you with incredible ability to be surprised at some fact that shows that the country hates Bush more and more every day, while they simultaneously look towards the Democratic party as a collection of superheros, nay, Gods.
TC: While that fact seems to indicate that Bush will lose the election, allow me, with no factual basis, to simply say that those facts are wrong and Democrats are whiny babies. But first, the best political briefing in television, our Crossfire Political Alert.
(Applause)
TC: Democrats are happy about something. I'm happy about it too because I embrace all things Democrats think are good and turn them around to say they are actually bad. I say I love Ralph Nader and defend him to the death because he hurts the Dems even though we share no ideological similarities what-so-ever. However, notice that as I say it, I have a look of such angelic sincerity that women all across the country will want to pinch my cheeks and straighten my bow-tie.
(Random Partisan applause from uptight, bow-tie wearing students with "my family summers at Martha's Vineyard" blazers on.
PB: Before I respond, Let me look at you and not the monitor so as to indicate that we are now speaking to each other in a totally unscripted and off the cuff way that bespeaks real national conversation, but actually accomplishes nothing. That being said: I think everything you just said is simply the voice of the Right-Wing puppetmasters and I think you should be ashamed for subscribing to such political and partisan cliche's. Of course you do plan to vote for a man who can't say the word "nuclear." He's also our Commander in Thief. He's also only at war because his daddy couldn't do the job right the first time. He also lied to us about WMD. He also inherited the biggest surpluses in this country's history and has created the largest deficits. (looks down at desk at his DNC checklist) Did I mention he's stupid?
TC: You're stupid.
PB: No, you are.
DING!
PB: Well, President Bush today vigorously defended his invasion of Iraq. Notice how he no longer says they have WMD, but now simply says they had the capability of creating them. Wait, did you hear that? That was a note of complete and utter shock in my voice that is well practiced yet completely genuine. Never in all my days could I ever have imagined that our President would lie about something, and then, days, months, even years later say something totally contrary. I simply cannot abide by it and I would never work for anyone who acted as despicably as that. Unless that person was a Democrat.
(Random applause by students wearing panchos and jewelry made of hemp.)
TC: I would love for this to be the issue that we talk about because we'll win. Also, if we talk about the economy we'll win, because the economy is strong, and getting stronger. And don't tell me about jobs being lost, didn't you see a CNN/Gallup poll that says that 75 new jobs were created JUST LAST MONTH. I mean think about it! Jobs are coming back to America. I will now sveltely seque into another discussion so as to hinder you from being able to tell me about the 300,000 jobs that have been lost since the President came to office. Wait! Look! There's a man in a gorilla suit behind you!
Ding!
TC: Well, coming up next we'll have two people who are at opposite ends of the political spectrum with inflated so-as to be impressive job descriptions. We'll ask them what they think of the issues and then listen as they disguise their answers into cleverly crafted sentences that seem to make some sort of sense, but when diagramed will reveal themselves to actually be? Their mother's recipe for chocolate chip cookies!!!
PB: And afterwards, we'll find something humorous that shows how fun we can be and that we don't actually hate each other, even if I did call Tucker a uptight little pipsqueak.

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